What it was like for us
A young manís journey to find himself
I can feel today. For that I am truly grateful. In my last few years before my rock bottom I felt nothing. I was walking dead. Nothing seemed to be able to touch me, I had become hardened to life, and I spent my life being in the grips of anger, loneliness, self-pity and resentment.
My story is not special - its like anyone else’s. My life was void of meaning I crashed through it with my own unmanageable drinking, drugging and behaviour.
I drank to settle my fear of people, places and things
For me, I drank to settle my fear of people, places, and things. I was fearful of my own shadow and certainly my own thinking.
In my drinking I became the person who I thought I should be. Energetic, centre of attention, and with a confidence that was fake from the first drink; deep down I felt terrified of something that I could not put into words.
Drink filled the gap that I felt in myself, it’s hard to put words to what this sense of emptiness was, a sense of being lost. It was like I was living my life from the outside looking in, never feeling fully connected with anything or anyone. I desperately wanted to feel present and a part of life.
After numerous failed suicide attempts
I hit the end of the road with my drinking, having spent time in and out of hospitals after numerous attempts at taking my life. This was the only option I could take to stop the madness and chaos and, most importantly, to achieve some peace. That’s all I wanted, peace.
Within a very short space of time something changed. Something happened. I sat on my brother’s bed having just left another psychiatric hospital and I cried tears of relief. These tears were different from the ones I had cried over the years of my drinking, they felt precious. I had surrendered and I had had enough; I didn’t want to fight any more. I had a strong sense that everything was going to be ok, I couldn’t explain why, and I didn’t need to. I just knew that I was being cared for and that it was time to accept the love that I felt at that moment and to accept that I was powerless over alcohol.
I try to listen and keep connected
From that day I began the very slow journey of putting myself back together again, with a great deal of help from what I call today, my friend, my higher power. It’s a quiet presence that is always there should I choose to listen for guidance. This power helps life to flow. I ask for help and guidance and I try to listen and keep connected by doing what’s suggested.
Today I can feel so many feelings, such an amazing range, some of them aren’t always easy, but I know I am cared for and life always moves on, nothing is ever still.
Today I can see beauty, and live to my fullest potential with God’s love cheering me on.
When the clouds come over me, or when my head lies to me, or when the days become dark, as they do sometimes. I remember that nothing stays still, life always moves on. Pain and joy all come and go. But today I have one constant thing that is always with me, every minute, every hour, every day - that is God.
If I call for Him, I know that he’ll be there, and for that I’m truly grateful.